Thursday, September 4, 2008

~Black Abyss~












I HATE ALZHEIMER’S
! Yes. I’m screaming. I HATE it and all it brings with it. HATE it. It’s a never-ending black abyss. A hole. One that leaves a void in your heart. And in a loved-one's brain.

The phone rang last nite at 6 pm. Mom’s number on the caller ID. Oh no. I had just seen her. She seldom calls. OH NO.

“Hello, Carol? I’m so glad you’re home. You know, I’m feeling so guilty. I haven’t spoken to Mom in a while, and I can’t find her number. Do you have it?”.

I gently remind her that her Mom, my Nona, passed away 32 years ago. When I was pregnant with Jeff.

Silence.

“You’re kidding!”

I reassure her that I’m not kidding. I would never do that. And I reassure her that she’s just very very tired. And that she just loves her Mother and wishes she was still here.

I wish my Mom was still here. The mom who taught me to ride a bike, how to sew, how to drive a car. The one who sewed til very late into the nite doing alterations so I could have piano lessons. The one who made all my clothes because there wasn't much money.The one who sent the three of us to college because she wanted the best for us. The mom who held my babies and cried. That one. I want her back.

For now, I will take the Mom she is now. The 'Imposter Mom'. The 'Child Mom'. The one I now have to 'mother'.

And I cry.

Please pray that they figure out what causes this dreadful abyss that is taking away people’s minds and making them into strangers to themselves and to those who love them.


34 comments:

DnJDesigns, Designs by Deedee said...

I so understand you situation. My Dear Grandmother has recently been placed in a nursing home after living with my own mother for the last 9 years. She is 96 years old. My grandfather passed away nearly 20 years ago. During my last visit with her she infomed me she didn't have time to vitit because Gus (my grandpa) would be home soon and if she didn't have his lunch on the table when he got home he wouldn't have time to eat before going back to work. It's very difficult to see our loved one's so confused and the despair in there eyes when they remember if by chance they do. On my way out the door of her room she begged me not to leave her there because she was frightend. Please take care and know you are not alone. Blessings to you and your Mother. Deedee

Anonymous said...

Oh Carol, my heart breaks for you. I wish so much that I could take away your pain. Yes, Alzheimer's is a horrible disease, but even in her confusion, it's obvious that your mother knows how very much you love her. Love and prayers coming your way, dear friend.
Judie

Carol said...

Dee...then you know how horrific this disease is. I hope the nursing home where your grandmother is is as nice as the place where my mom is.

Carol said...

Judie...Thank you. Pray that your Mom and Grampy never go through even one day of this.

Marci said...

Alzeimers is a nasty, dreadful, mean disease! It's just not fair that a woman who worked hard, loved hard, and lived a full life must live her remaining time this way. And, of course, it just breaks my heart to see you hurt like this, Carol. The will of God will not take us where the grace of God cannot keep us.

Like Judie said, your mom knows she can trust you and lean on you - what a blessing!

womaninawindow said...

Oh, boy, two of you going through grief all over again...
So.damned.sad.for.you.and.your mom!
You write it with justice, it is a black hole.

Mel said...

You know where I'm at if you need me...my thoughts echo Judie's. Sending big hugs...

Carol said...

Thank you for the reminder, Marci!

Carol said...

Erin...I forget that. You're right. We both mourn again whenever her death comes up. oye.

Carol said...

Thank you, Mel!

littlebrownpen said...

My grandmother passed away from it just last year. HATE is a staggering understatement. Being robbed of memories robs us of who we are. Pure evil.

Carol said...

I'm so sorry your family and your grandmother had to witness its horrors. You're right: pure evil.

Anonymous said...

Carol,
Mom and Grampy DID go through many days of this with Dolly. I think it's why they're closer than ever now.

Suldog said...

Prayer said right now, Carol.

I truly believe there must be an answer out there. I hope it is found NOW. That was my prayer, anyway.

Jules~ said...

Carol, I am so sorry for this time. I want to stand with you and stomp my feet and yell at the unfairness of it all.
Being an online friend though, there is nothing that I can do for you right now but this...may I pray with you?
Father God, I just pray right now for Your hand of comfort to be with Carol and her family. I know it is so hard, difficult and geart breaking to see her mom lose her memories....memories are the things that we weave our hearts around and look back on. They are our treasures. Carol's mom is not able to do that anymore and that is so hard. Strengthen Carol with your comfort and peace Lord and have her to know without a doubt that You never leave her to bear something alone.

I hope praying with you was okay.
Know that I am thinking about you and asking for better days.

Carol said...

Judie...OMG! They did!!

Thanks, Jim!

Jules...Thank you for the prayer. You don't ever have to ask if that's okay. We can never pray enough!

david mcmahon said...

Hi Carol,

Thank you for your comment on my photos of Canada's fall colours.

This is such a powerful post andone I can personally identify with.

If you go back about a month through my blog, you'll find a post called `D is for Dementia' whre I describe how the condition took hold of my mother.

Jules said...

Sending you sweet (((hugs))).

I know how it is. My grandfather had it too. It's horrible and you feel so useless - standing by and wishing for what is lost. It's a horrible disease and I hope they find a cure for it soon!

melissa said...

i am so thankful i haven't had any personal encounters with that horrible illness!! both of my husbands grandfathers had it...and he had to watch as they both fell further and further into, how you so perfectly put it...the abyss!!
i'm sorry you have to deal with this!
take care and thank you so much for your kind words about my blog!!
btw...how did you get your etsy store onto your blog? i can't figure out how to do it!!!

Carol said...

David...I read it and left a comment over there. Wow is all I can say!

Jules...Thank you for the hugs!

Melissa...Thank you for YOUR kind words. I left you a message about how to add an Etsy mini. If you have trouble, convo me on Etsy.

Rose said...

Carol, My heart goes out to you for what you are going through. I have been so fortunate not to have to deal with this in my own family, but most of my friends have been dealing with one or both parents suffering from Alzheimer's. It truly is an insidious disease.
My mother taught me how to sew and made almost all my clothes as I was growing up, too. I understand how much you want your "real" mother back. Take care.

PGL said...

My grandparents live with us & my grandmother is showing signs of dementia. It's very stressful & heartbreaking to watch someone you love become somebody else. Thanks for visiting my blog today & your nice comments. I love the sunflowers from your last post too. You have a very nice blog.

Alison Kelley said...

Carol, my heart goes out to you and your family. I hope and pray for a cure someday.

Lanyardlady said...

My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find the strength to cope with this dreadful disease and remember your mother as she "was." Thanks for reading my blog; I've added yours to my blog list!

Deb said...

Hi. This is my first visit to your blog so you don't 'know' me but I just want to say that my heart goes out to you and your family and I will say a prayer for you. Your words are powerful and describe so well the pain and hurt that you and your family are going through. Take care.

PamperingBeki said...

Oh how heartbreaking!

God bless you. :(

Rosebud Collection said...

This is such a terrible thing to have happen to your mom or anyone for that matter..It hurts so much. I do not know if she is on medicines at all before this happened..I just mention this..had problems with my mom and it was medicine..Hard to believe, but my mother was all confused..found Lipitor and many other drugs will mimic Alzheimers..It took work to find the problem with my mother, but I did..This is just a thought..
I am not a doctor/nurse but a person that had a mother that didn't know where she was and was even seeing things..in her case all from medicine..just wanted to share this..

Jane Grafton said...

Thank you for writing such a touching post on your mom. It brought me to tears. I admire you; I will pray for you; and I will pray that they find a cure for that dreaded disease of Alzheimers. God bless you!

Periwinkle Studio said...

Oh wow! I am so glad you shared. ((Hugs)) sent to you!

Louise said...

Came over from Authorblog, and am so glad you were one of today's posts.

I've been in a similar place as you, and I understand the screaming. My mother did not have Alzheimar's, but she had something that took 9 years of brain-eating to kill her. Had to wonder why in the world her suffering had to drag out so long.

I can especially relate to your wanting YOUR mom back. My mom really "died" 9 years before she stopped breathing. She was another person.

You have the right attitude to take what you can get. That's all you can do. And you have to take it with humor most of the time or you'll just wind up crying. But that doesn't mean it's always humorous or that it will get any easier. It won't. There might be better days, but the trend is bad. All you can do is enjoy what you have. And know that other people have gone through it and ARE going through it and understand and send you their kindest thoughts.

Jeni said...

Thanks to David for sending me here. Your post is totally on target about Altzheimers -TOTALLY! My grandfather had this, as did my Mom's older sister and my Mom was starting to show many signs of it too before she died. My Dad's youngest sibling, who just passed back in April, 2008, who also had this terrible affliction. To watch someone's mind deteriorate is truly a terrible, terrible thing.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

a very poignant but sad post...came by way of David, well done on your POTD!!

CrazyCath said...

Wonderfully written.
I feel your grief.
Over from David's.

A big hug for you.

Lee said...

Oh Carol! It must be so frustrating to find that happening and miss the wonderful mother daughter conversations you've grown up with. My mom told similar stories when she was taking care of my Grandmother. I pray that your Mom has moments of lucidity and that they are more frequent than not. I also pray for a cure for this insidious condition.

God bless you for your loving care of her.

Thank you for visiting my blog earlier. Looks like we both had busy days.

Peace! Hope! & Joy!
Lee