~Balancing Act, Part II~

There's no simple formula for balancing work-life. It's a matter of trial-and-error. I've found that the following works for me:

Pray - Really. Very important. I begin and end my day with it. It's the single-most-important thing to keeping balance. Always make time for it.

Get Organized - I can't function in chaos. If my studio/workspace is in order, I accomplish more in a shorter span of time. Though I hate spending time doing it....it's worth it!

Focus - When I'm in my studio, I focus on work. When I step back into my home, I focus on home and family. This part is a curse for those who work at home. You have to know when it's time to step back into that work-world, without procrastinating! After all....there's no 'boss' standing there next to a time clock!
And there's no paycheck at the end of the month, either, unless you produce!!

Make Lists - I make a list each nite for the next day. I cross things off as I finish each task. This not only makes me see that I am indeed accomplishing things, but keeps me organized as well. Things that do not get finished go on the next day's list.

Prioritize - The most important things to be done for the day are listed first, etc.

Set Boundaries and Learn to Say 'No' - This is a hard one. People think that since you're 'at home', you can do their 'favors' and meet their demands. You cannot. (unless you have found those elves I've been waiting for!) There is no paycheck unless you produce. This includes learning not to be a slave to emails and phone calls. (and blogs!) Work comes first.

Take Time For Yourself - This is a hard one for many people....including yours truly. I have a tendency to be a workaholic. It's good for my business, but not for me. I fit in exercise when I can, and try to remember to take mini-breaks. These can simply be walking out into the woods with my puppies and an iced coffee...or returning a phone call to a friend. The secret is to keep the breaks short. I also try to fit in lunch with friends....which doesn't happen very often during show season!!

Ditch the Guilt - It's a useless emotion. You just can't do it all. Really. I have a hard time convincing myself of this one.

Be flexible - Change is imminent. And good. Those who accept and embrace change and work willingly within the new parameters are more productive and better-adjusted. And less frustrated!!

All that said....I struggle with some of these. Balancing it all just isn't easy. Seeing my Mom is a priority. I fit it into my week with the help of my Uncle Joe....who goes to see Mom when I can't. We touch base each morning and discuss who will visit that day.

I also struggle with not working too many hours. I start my days early, and finish late. Sometimes way too late. It's just the way it is right now, and although I was used to working this way when my business started 20 years ago, I struggle with my lack of physical stamina now. If I could just 'clone' myself. Or find those elves!! Fortunately, Jim will often drag me out of the studio. I don't go willingly. There's usually kicking and screaming involved. But he's always right!

I'm off to the studio with lists, puppies and coffee. Have a glorious Wednesday wherever you are in the world~

~This, too, Shall Pass~

I always find myself closer to God during difficult times. I first realized this during my senior year of college. Kneeling in a dark, musty confessional, I confessed to a priest that I was guilty of not being as close to God as I should have been. Hey...I was a Dean's List college senior carrying 21 hours & finishing up my student teaching, a Resident Advisor on a dormitory floor of 40 freshman girls, and working part-time. Yup...I wasn't praying as much as I could have been. The priest said something that set me on my heels: "The fact that you are worried that you're not as close to God as you should be, tells me you are MUCH closer to Him than you think." I've never forgotten that. He was totally spot-on.

As I travel through these difficult days with my Mom, I find I am leaning on Him for dear life. Is there any other choice? Faith is easy in good times. It's brutally hard in bad times. But those are the times I am the closest to God. He's the last thing I think of when I fall off to sleep, and the first thought I have before I open my eyes. I wake up many times throughout the nite, and pray that He is holding my Mom...and us....in the arms. She can't do this alone. Neither can we.

Mom is still in the hospital. Her delusions continue. She imagines she is at work. Everyone's left and she has no way home. She says someone's stolen her purse, and she has no money. This scene is played over and over. There are no phones, so to make calls, patients have to convince someone at the nurse's station to call for them. They try to control the frequency of these calls, and as you can imagine, they have many more important tasks to perform in the busy geriatric unit. But she convinces them to let her 'call her daughter' whenever she can. These phone calls are heart-wrenching. They asked me if I wanted them to stop the calls. I told them, "Absolutely not". Can you imagine how you would feel 'locked' in with no way to reach your loved ones?? And so, whenever the phone rings, I find myself praying that it's not Mom. Sad. Very sad.

The unit is locked. No one in or out without a code. No phones, tvs, no cords, strings, foods outside the dining room. You have to 'check' eveything in when you enter. They ignore the patients' questions. Many of them babble incessantly. It's like a white-walled prison. A giant padded 'cell'. Depressing for sure. We've all agreed that any of us would go crazy if we had to stay there as a patient.

But Mom's already in her own kind of 'prison'. There's a monster raging inside her that the doctors have yet been able to calm down. They've tried 3 medications so far. They haven't worked. She is still in this fantasy-hell. She begs to be taken 'home' every time we visit. Visiting hours are limited: 6-8:30 each evening. By 7:00, Mom is exhausted. Exhausted from the delusions. From the begging. From the monster. It's pointless to try to visit with her after that hour.

We did get a smile from her on Sunday: We brought her a Frostie!

And so....we continue on, fervantly praying that today is the day they will figure out how to help her calm the monster. It's been 7 days. Will they succeed? And what happens to this dear woman if they don't? Will she ever be able to go back to the assisted living facility she knows as 'home'? What if she can't?

At certain moments of the day or night....these questions become monumental, depressing unknowns. Eating is near impossible. And when I do....it comes right back up, so what's the sense? Praying is the only calm. The rock. God is here. I know He will make things okay. I just wish He'd hurry.

**Thank you all for your prayers, your comments, emails......for your support. We are so so grateful for them***

~Black Abyss~

I HATE ALZHEIMER’S! Yes. I’m screaming. I HATE it and all it brings with it. HATE it. It’s a never-ending black abyss. A hole. One that leaves a void in your heart. And in a loved-one's brain.

The phone rang last nite at 6 pm. Mom’s number on the caller ID. Oh no. I had just seen her. She seldom calls. OH NO.

“Hello, Carol? I’m so glad you’re home. You know, I’m feeling so guilty. I haven’t spoken to Mom in a while, and I can’t find her number. Do you have it?”.

I gently remind her that her Mom, my Nona, passed away 32 years ago. When I was pregnant with Jeff.

Silence.

“You’re kidding!”

I reassure her that I’m not kidding. I would never do that. And I reassure her that she’s just very very tired. And that she just loves her Mother and wishes she was still here.

I wish my Mom was still here. The mom who taught me to ride a bike, how to sew, how to drive a car. The one who sewed til very late into the nite doing alterations so I could have piano lessons. The one who made all my clothes because there wasn't much money.The one who sent the three of us to college because she wanted the best for us. The mom who held my babies and cried. That one. I want her back.

For now, I will take the Mom she is now. The 'Imposter Mom'. The 'Child Mom'. The one I now have to 'mother'.

And I cry.

Please pray that they figure out what causes this dreadful abyss that is taking away people’s minds and making them into strangers to themselves and to those who love them.

~Beyond the 'Drive'~

"Why are you working so hard. Everyday. Now, at a time in your life when you can be slowing down? Where do you get the ‘drive’ from?" A friend of mine posed this question to me over the weekend. It made me stop and think.

Drive. Not the verb that happens when you get behind the wheel of your car, but the noun. The drive that makes you JUMP out of bed every morning, anxious to begin. I love what I do. I’m passionate about it. And although I’m very ‘driven’, it’s not work to me. I’m not saying that putting in 12 -14 hour days isn’t exhausting. Ask my back and my eyes. But when you’re ‘driven’ by the passion and love of creating…..of being totally alone in the studio while your ideas become real….you can’t call that work. It is pleasure. Joy. Watching a flat piece of fabric come to life before your very eyes is surreal; impossible to describe. Magical. And I don’t ever want it to end!

So I stumble out of bed each morning, and head out the back door with the puppies. The crispness of the cool air is invigorating. It already smells like fall. Inside, I fill my favorite cup with steamy coffee....the first of many more to come....throw the pups a treat, and head to the computer. After answering emails, printing labels, and ‘chatting’ with friends…..it’s off to the shower. And my jeans. Ah….one of the pleasures of working at home!

Then I’m off to the woods behind our house. Sounds of the creek and the birds…and already, the locusts, remind me that this is a little glimpse of what heaven must be like. And I pray. I thank God for all the gifts He has blessed me with. For the talent. And the drive. When I look around me I know that for right now, at this moment, this is what I’m meant to do. Joyfully.

I’m off to the studio. Have a glorious day!

"The joy of the Lord is your strength" Nehemiah 8:10