Thursday, May 10, 2012

~One Last Cup of Coffee~

 Mom passed away peacefully Wednesday morning. I missed her actual passing by about 6 minutes. I know God meant it to be that way. And although I had been praying very hard for God to take her home and end her suffering, there is a sadness of loss I feel that I didn’t expect.

Today was the first day of my life without my mom. She was with me from the moment of my birth,  every day of my life. Until today.  It’s a feeling of loss like none I have ever felt before. A huge void.

The one thing I CAN say is that I am very happy for her. She is no longer in pain. No longer suffering from the humiliation of having others care for her every need. No longer enduring ‘pureed’ foods and wearing diapers. No longer unable to talk and let others know her needs. No longer unable to walk.

And as much as I will miss her dearly, I have a peace and a calmness in knowing that I have no regrets when it comes to my mom. I did whatever I could for the woman who carried me for 9 months, changed my diapers, fed and clothed me. As the rolls reversed over theses past years, I came to realize what real love for my mother, and vice-versa is: it’s unconditional. It’s putting aside your own feelings for the other person. And my mother taught me exactly how to do that only too well.

I will miss her smiles. Her hugs. Her touch. I will miss just being there with her.

I was lucky enough to be able to spend time alone at my mother’s bedside after she died. One of the sweet aides brought in a fresh pot of coffee….and I poured a cup, and shared a last cup with my mother. Very bittersweet. It will have to last me until we share a cup of coffee heaven~


Jennie said...

I'm so moved by your words, and have none of my own to offer you. My thoughts are with you, though, and I hope that you continue to be comforted by the peace of your memories and the knowledge that your angel mother sends her love to you from heaven.

Glenda said...

What a beautiful tribute to your Mom. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you grieve - you've lost the one person in your life that loved you most - and unconditionally.

Anonymous said...

Carol, your words have touched me so. My love for you is crossing the miles and wrapping around you. Peace to you, my dear friend. Judie

Jen said...

So sorry to hear about your mom but glad she is no longer suffering. A beautiful tribute to her...xoxo

Ellen said...

I am so sorry. From your posts, I think that you really gave it your all to take care of your mother the best that you could! Thinking of you!

Dolores said...

Oh Carol, I'm so sorry for your loss, but I totally understand your feelings. You'll always miss her, but knowing she's whole again..... that's so wonderful.
Your tribute to your mom is beautiful.
Love and hugs to you!!

Anonymous said...

Please know that I'm thinking of you and the family. Even though she was ready to go.. it still leaves such a void. Love you, dear friend. We'll talk after all the services.. please know that the 8 of us are all with you in spirit.

hugs to you all.. Nellie

Jeni said...

Having dealt with similar circumstances with the passing of my own mother, I can relate fully to your emotions now. Yes, peace within yourself knowing the pain is gone is foremost there -at least in my life. It will be 32 years this October since she passed and what do I miss the most? That she never had a chance to see my children grown much less to enjoy the grandchildren I have now and also, I miss the "Argument a Day" that she and I seemed compelled to have! Every. Stinking. Day! LOL They were generally pretty stupid, in retrospect, but it became such a habit that I do still miss them! There will not be a day that you won't miss her -of that I can guarantee you -but it won't all be sadness when you contemplate your life without your Mom as the good memories will become the stronger ones in your life and you will enjoy them more and more as time goes by then too! Peace, my friend and love to you as you start down this new path in your life.

Kat said...

Oh, I'm so choked up right now.
Prayers for you and your continued peace and hurting heart.

Anonymous said...

Lots of love and prayers to you, Carol. You cared for your mom so sweetly and tenderly these past years. Thinking of you.
-Patti xoxoxox

Jules~ said...

Dear Carol, I am so very sorry.
I haven't opened my blog page in 2 months, but tonight I felt God say I needed to come visit.
I pray for Papa's quiet peace and comfort to envelop you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Carol, your Mom was very fortunate to have you as her daughter, and you to have her as your Mom. Wishing you peace, dear one. Love, Kathi