Tuesday, June 19, 2012

~Healing From the Inside Out~




It's such a funny thing, this healing process. I truly believed it would be easy. After all...isn't Mom where she belongs? I hope so. But the problem is that I've known exactly where she was every minute of every day for the past 10 years. And now....although my faithful heart is telling me that I DO know where she is now, like Thomas, I wanted signs.

Six years ago, when Mom was still here in our home with us, I had her promise me she'd send me a 'sign' after she passed away. She was puzzled as to what kind of 'sign' this should be. "Something that means something to the two of us, Mom. You'll think of something. But don't send it in the middle of the night and scare me, okay?" And as only my mother could she said, "Well....if I'm allowed"!!! AND....she did send me a sign. The same sign. Three days in-a-row.....the three days following her funeral...and all three ONLY when my sister and I were talking on the phone.

But....as several of my friends said to me: I'm tough. I wanted more. So I began talking and pleading with my brother and father, both of whom had passed away 10 years ago. And, I received a sign from each of them.

So...my healing should begin, right? Wrong. I have this unsettled feeling in my stomach. A hole in my heart. A void that I don't like. One that I know can never be filled again here on earth. So I meditate. And I pray. And I read the ever-growing stack of books to try and understand why I feel this hole. So for now, the best I can do is to just 'Believe'.

Blessings to you all this beautiful summer day in June~

Carol and Rosie

7 comments:

Kat said...

This makes me want to both laugh and cry.
For one, my mom and I have had the very same conversation. I want signs after she passes, but I don't want her to scare me. HA!
I had been asking my dad for signs for almost three years now and just last month I finally got a visit from him in my dreams (though it was nothing like a "dream"). I needed that, and it did help.
I think what you are struggling with is not wondering if she is still with you. You know in your heart she is. I think it is just the fact that we have our parents with us our whole lives (if we are lucky) and it is just a void when they are gone. It just feels so wrong. There is a hole there. And just when you think you are doing better you feel the hole again.
I thought I was healed after my visit with my father, but then on Father's Day I missed him so much I was just kind of a mess all day.

I pray you find peace. I pray you really recognize all the signs around you, feel them, trust them, and accept them.
God bless you!

Carol said...

Oh, Kat.....you know me so well. Everything you said is exactly how and why I am feeling this way.

Thank you for your prayers. I truly appreciate them. They are what pull each of us along. We can't exist without them. xoxoxoxox

Sandi McBride said...

I could have written this post myself! I knew Mama would send me a sign after she passed and she did...she sends me gardenias...and she really DID NOT LIKE GARDENIAS...said they reminded her of funeral homes...while I love the scent...reminds me of proms and Cotillians...just like her to do that...hope the hole you feel will soon fill in, let your family and friends help, hugs
Sandi

Anonymous said...

Hugs from Italy, Carol... What area was your family from?

Nel from Nebraska

Dolores said...

Carol, my mom died so many years ago, but I can still feel your feelings as if they were yesterday. You'll never stop missing your mother, but it will get easier.
Hugs and prayers,

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Lynne said...

So good to hear from you! I have been MIA both reading and writing blogs. I am so sorry to read about your mom passing. You obviously have a special bond with her. My heart aches to read how difficult this time is for you. Missing someone is one of the worst feelings I know of. I know God will teach you something special from this experience while He keeps you wrapped in His arms while you grieve. May you know joy again very soon, Carol.

Hugs,
Lynne